You know I’m getting kind of worried, she doesn’t seem herself at all.

Oftentimes when I sit at the computer to write a paper for school, I do so with the hope that the words, sentences, paragraphs will just spew forth from my brain and be translated by my fingers pecking away on a keyboard, forming intelligent thoughts, ideas and analyses, written eloquently, that will earn me that coveted A.

Of course, more often than not, this is never the case. There was one time over the last semester that I was able to bust out a four page paper in a little over two hours but it was on poetry and this particular poet spoke to me and I enjoyed taking the few poems I had selected and dissecting them stanza by stanza and line by line, much in the same way that I might a favorite song. Why can’t it always be that easy?

I’ve been stuck lately. I’ve hit a wall and I don’t know how to get over it, around it or break through it. It’s painful. It leaves me with no motivation, no inspiration and a crippling fear; I do everything I can to avoid sitting at the computer, staring a blank Word screen. Time ticks by and it’s still blank and there is still no inclination to write. But I am running out of time, as with writing school papers come deadlines. It’s starting to cause anxiety and maybe even depression. I’ve found myself sleeping more just to avoid even trying to get up and write. My motivation to do anything remotely productive is slowly but surely dwindling. All I keep wondering is why?

Sometimes I feel like I’m two different people. There’s the happy girl that’s always down, always laughing and can roll with the punches and then there is the one that’s quiet, a little melancholy, that gets lost in her thoughts and sometimes has a rough time getting back to Earth. These two are in a constant, delicate balance for the most part–a perfect limbo, but there are times that I seem to regress and instead of looking forward, I tend to look back. And rather than looking back in appreciation, I look back with a lachrymose longing. I look back on my former life as if it were a dream–and not one that I was ready to wake up from–and I miss so much about it. The wheels start turning and the memories start pouring down. To top it off, I’ve had those suffocated, trapped feelings once again. It can be a dangerous combination.

So does all of this make me crazy? I’m hoping it just makes me normal. It’s just part of growing up. It’s just… life. Right? I can’t be the strongest, happiest girl all of the time and for whatever reason, it pains me to admit that. I figure I just need to stay focused; although currently I’m having a hard time figuring out how to do so…

But as my dad would say to me, “It’d kill an ordinary girl.”

I will only complicate you.

I’ve officially been in North County for a month. It’s surreal. It’s incontrovertible and here I am about to start school (but still jobless). During this past month I have mentally been making notes on the things that annoy me about this place; the things I enjoy and the things I miss about San Francisco. Here are those lists:

V-Town Annoyances

• It’s too damn hot!
• The coffee is never strong enough– where do you find a decent cup of coffee in the Tri City area?!
• You have to drive EVERYWHERE– I HATE DRIVING!
• I feel awkward getting drunk at home– Almost as if it’s not allowed…
• 24 Hour Fitness is no longer in walking distance.
• There is a rampant infestation of “Bros” and their “Hos'” and their ginormous, gas guzzling trucks.
• My ex lives here– which isn’t a problem, but it is a problem.
• I haven’t slept through a night since I’ve been here– So I’m always tired and take a lot of naps.
• The surprised expressions I get when I confess that I don’t have a boyfriend and am not seeing anyone and don’t really have plans to– Shocker! I know. But much to the surprise of all Southern Californians, it is OK to be single and crave some form of independence (no matter how old you are). I promise.
• The CL “Missed Connections” aren’t nearly as entertaining as the San Francisco ones.
• I went from having a full-length mirror in my room that made me look ultra thin (nicknamed the “Skinny Mirror”), thus leaving me with a (false) sense of confidence, to a mirror that makes me look even fatter than I already am (nicknamed the “Fat Mirror”); leaving me with thoughts such as these: “You are a broke down, beat, fat ass. What happened to you?!” or “Why are you even bothering to get dressed and leave the house?” a la Liz Lemon style– Ignorance is bliss, people. Ignorance is bliss. Give me back the skinny mirror!
• They still play Korn on the radio here. Yes. Korn. Did I just move back in time?
• Everything is so spread out.
• Cable– Sure, I no longer have to wait until the day after to watch the two (2) shows I look forward to viewing, but there is a lot of trash out there. Trash you get sucked into and before you know it, you’ve spent the whole day on the couch, melting your brain.

Things I miss in/about San Francisco

• EVERYTHING!– Jay-Kay…kind of…no seriously, here’s the list:
• My roomies– Three’s Company fo’ life yo!
• Dolores park– Drinking there, reading there, people watching, etc.
• Work pals– You know who you are.
• The City life in general– Morning commutes on MUNI, Union Square, The Haight, etc.
• Dive bars– Too many good ones to list.
• The Many Mis-Adventures of Amy and Carissa.
• The lack of fast food.
• My house– Which isn’t actually “my house” anymore, but you know what I mean.
• Roommate dinners.
• Dining room dance parties.
• Charlie’s (wasted) Angels
• Friends, friends, friends– You know who you are too; don’t make me name names.
• And a whole lot more that I don’t want to list, ’cause then I’m thinking about it and then I get sad.

Now, just to be fair, here is a list of a few things I actually do (kind of) enjoy about North County:

Some V-Town Goods

• The Girls– Nat, Kate, Sissy and (yes, you too) Robin!
• $2 Racer5’s on Thursdays.
• Beaches where you can actually enjoy the sun and swim in the water.
• Real Mexican food– And at some places you can get it anytime you want!
• Free food/no rent.
• The Guys– Meaning my friends here who are guys– you know who you are too (although I’m fairly positive none of you read this).
• I won’t miss Decemberween– Assuming it still happens this year.
• Snowboarding
• The desert
• Wide open spaces.
• I’m now closer to my family.

So there you have it. I’m sure as more time goes on, I’ll have more to add to each of these lists but I figured after a month, this was a pretty good start.

On a closing note, a lot of us are starting school tomorrow, so to those of you who fit in that category, good luck! I wish you a happy, heathly semester riddled with well earned, good grades.

I rode a fixie for the first time on Sunday.

While living in San Francisco for the past two years, I went through four semesters of school. For the most part, I did well in school. But there was one particular class that I ended up flunking every single semester (including Summer semesters that I wasn’t even enrolled in!)– Guy 101: Dating and Men (or boys, depending on the situation and maturity level–it was an umbrella course).

This became a joke in my San Francisco household between my roommates and myself…only, it wasn’t really a joke. No matter how hard I studied, the important information just didn’t sink in and I just couldn’t comprehend; resulting in a big, fat F every time I had a test, thus flunking Guy 101 again and again and again! I could go through every scenario and give examples of said flunked exams, but it would be exhausting and embarrassing–the bright, red flags (that were up right in front of my face) that I missed, the misinterpretations of words and actions, the drunkenness that ensued. And there were so many failed experiments– Fat Head, Dead Fish, Fresh Fish, Minn Mac…all of them, fail, fail and epic fail.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I just don’t know how to date. I know how to be in a relationship–be a girlfriend–I did it once for many years and I like to think I did it well. I just don’t know at what point you go from “dating” to being in an exclusive relationship (you know, the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing).

I didn’t come away completely empty-handed though. Here are a few of the lessons I did actually “learn” along the way:

1. Men do not take woman on dates anymore–at least not in San Francisco.

2. I am a terrible judge of  the male character–they’re usually only that nice in the beginning because they want something, duh.

3. Commitment is often a bad word in the male dictionary.

4. I should not always be honest and say what I am thinking– this one didn’t actually sink in; I’m going to be honest, say what I really think about something and ask questions whether you like it or not! But I did notice that it would get me in a lot of trouble. Hah.

5. Generally speaking, men are selfish and unapologetic creatures.

So there you have it. Having now been relocated to Southern California, I don’t really plan on taking Guy 101 again…I think I’ve hit my limit in retaking the course anyway (thank you sweet, baby Jesus–I don’t think my delicate psyche could handle another F).

There was only one man worth my time in San Francisco anyway, and that man–was not you! So don’t even try and flatter yourself.

Please note that I used words such as “usually” and “generally” when describing what I’ve learned about the male behavior; which is to say, despite my constant failing, I don’t think every man is as described above. Thank you.

Oh, to be so painfully hip.

Hipsters. Love them or hate them, they’re everywhere…San Diego, San Francisco and soon I’ll find out if they’re in Minnesota! But that’s beside the point. Here’s a conversation a friend and I recently had about hipsters (please excuse any and all spelling and grammatical errors–it is just chat after all):

1:20 PM me:what should i have to drink from the fully stocked fridge?

dr. pepper? an izze?

k*****: beer

me: hahahaha. i wish!

k*****: oh damn

well

root beer?

??

me: we have cream soda

?

k*****: eh

me: that’s close

k*****: yeah. . .

1:21 PM i think dr pepper sounds nice. .. what kind of izze do you have?

me: i think we have clementine and raspberry

k*****: HM

raspberry sounds nice.

🙂

1:22 PM me: i think so too!

and those are supposedly “all natural”

k*****: oh well yeah definitely go with that one, for hipster factor alone!

hahaha

me: hahahahaha

1:23 PM oh to be so painfully hip!

i think hipsters come from the emo family

k*****: oh yeah?

me: you know, like cats and leopards are in the “family”

k*****: right

i think you’re definitely onto something there

i could see that.

1:24 PM you should write a blog about it

🙂

me: i was just going to say that!

k*****: it should be titled “Oh to be so painfully hip”

i like that

me: i was thinking of more things to talk about for our show…i should have written them down

k*****: 🙂

me: haha. good idea!

k*****: yeah

1:25 PM yeah that should definitely be video blog topic

hipsterssss

and their many variations

me: ooooooh! how we love to hate them and hate them because we love them so (the boys anyway)

1:26 PM k*****: yeah, just the boys

its definitely a love/hate

me: ya

1:27 PM k*****: i can only love them from afar, because then i start to loathe them after about 2 minutes of staring at their skinny legs and nasty haircuts

1:30 PM me: agreed

1:31 PM and if they’re going to keep their hair long, i really wish they would wash it once in a while…

i know i’m pretty scuzzy sometimes, but pretty, clean, soft hair is more of a turn on

k*****: yeah, and maybe cut it so that one side wasnt noticeably longer than the other

me: instead of that weird unwashed hair smell

hahahahahaha

1:32 PM (oh and i was wrong, it’s “sparkling pomegranate”)

k*****: mmm

that sounds delicious

and very hip

So there you have it…one day I will go into more detail about my theory of hipsters and their taxonomic category–being related to those emo kids, and the emos being related to the goths and so on and so forth…but for now, this is all you get (mostly because I haven’t had the time to fully research and think this idea through)!

Also, you may have noticed a reference to a “video blog.” That’s right, we’re actually toying with the idea of creating our own “reality” (of sorts) show; seeing as we’ve talked about it before and apparently no one is going to make it for us, we going to take matters into our own hands! However, I must admit that I’ve never been one to feel comfortable in front of a camera (I think it has something to do with the shyness) and I really hate seeing myself on film, but we’ll see what happens…so stayed tuned for that.

“Give me a yellow brick road and a Japanese car and benevolent change”

If you were cool, you’d live in San Francisco.

For quite some time now, Kiss and I have mused about having our own “reality” television show. We figure if a bunch of random, spoiled brats in the OC can have one, then we should definitely be allowed to! Our shenanigans are far more entertaining; and air time wouldn’t be filled with staring contests between the two of us.

Really, our show would be a more visual, true life approach to our (slightly failed) blog ITSSOJ?! Just imagine being right there with us on all of our wacky adventures. Like the time we went to Roe and realized that that place is really just a club for the strippers from across the street to wind down and get their (raunchy) groove on on a Sunday night.  Or the time Kiss got so wasted when we were at the Nerd Party at The Ambassador that I couldn’t get her into a cab, so I left her. Luckily, she had the address of the friends house that we were staying at written on her arm;  because there was no way in hell she would have remembered it, much less was she able to form sentences with real words…so she pointed out the address written in Sharpie on her arm to the cabbie and was able to make it back safely. And then there’s that other time that Kiss, our other (male) roomie and I went to The Dub to play some pool and in a drunken discussion about what our alter egos would be, our (very straight, very male) roomie blurted out that his is “Marmalaide Paptschmear”. Yes. Marmalaide. Paptschmear. I was on the ground dying. Plus there’s all those times in my day-to-day life that I trip and fall on my face (usually in front of many people), or dance around at work with my iPod when I think no one is watching. All of this, and more could be caught on film for the world to see!

Anyway, you get the point. Our show would be hilarious. Highly entertaining. Plus, we live in amazing San Francisco, CA. How could you go wrong? We’re just two normal girls (and one normal guy–we’ve got a kind of Three’s Company thing going) who own up to our quirkiness and play off of each others and in the meantime a million things go awry and everything else goes just right.

So, where do we sign up?

Can I have it all now?

Having now lived in San Francisco for over a year, I’m starting to feel as though this is my home. San Diego will always be “home” where my family resides, but SF is now my new home and I love it dearly.

I was once told that San Francisco is considered the “city for the single” and after some quick research, I found that it was considered Forbes Magazine number one city for singles last year (we lost to New York City this year). I believe this to be true, but not in the connotational sense that you might think. I agree that this is definitely a city for singles, but because it is so easy to stay single living here. There are so many available men and woman in this city, that “hooking up” seems to be one of the easiest things you can do on a night out and it also seems to be all some people really want. You meet, swap some fluids and almost never see or hear (assuming you even exchanged digits) from that person again. This is especially true if you meet a tourist. There are loads of them here, and they love to think that they are smooth talkers and that flashing money can get them whatever they want. (I’m not saying they’re all like this, but a hefty amount are.)

Anyway, I’ve kind of forgotten where I’m going with this…oh right, staying single is easy in San Francisco…now what? Is this a good thing or a bad thing? You tell me.

Exhibit A: 22-year-old male, college student, “I’m single, I love it.”

Exhibit B: http://sfbay.craigslist.org post

To all single women of San Francisco – m4w – 30

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Reply to: pers-1011862588@craigslist.org ^[?]
Date: 2009-01-28, 4:59PM PST

You are all full of shit. You know what I mean too. None of you take single guys seriously, then you come on Craigslist and complain you are single. Or you wish how the bike guy, or the bart guy, or whatever guy would have talked to you. But you all know that if he did, you would all act as if you were not that interested; and he would feel blown off.

So I am tired of hearing about how single guys are rare and women are looking for them. You are not, and you know it. You are looking for some fantasy guy off TV. Your expectations are too high and your egos are too bold. Get over yourselves and go approach a guy you like. And if he approaches you, take him seriously.

This is the worst city in the world to be a straight, single guy that would like to meet a nice girl. And it has nothing to do with the gays and lesbians. It is because of YOU: single women

Or better yet, email that angry gentleman and tell him what you think. 😉