Archive for June, 2010

Why does California have to shit on its education system when in a financial crisis?

I found out today that the school I had been planning to transfer to this Winter is no longer accepting transfers for that quarter. I was supposed to apply tomorrow but it looks like that won’t be happening after all. Needless to say, I’m in a state. It’s heartbreaking really. I don’t think I’ve been this upset since my last relationship (if you could call it that) fell apart.

Why did I move back home again? I’m having a hard time remembering…

What the fuck am I supposed to do now?

(I know exactly what I’m going to do, but that doesn’t make me feel any less hopeless right now.)

I just want to use your love, tonight.

It’s come to my attention that I roll with an interesting group of friends. These friends consist mostly of guys–each special in their own way and all of them, strangely enough, single. So of course any new girl brought into this plethora of men is going to go ape shit–it’s a single man smorgasbord. Obviously, having been in this group for more years than I can remember and having known some of these guys since high school, I get a little wary of new girls brought into the group. Not because I’m jealous (these guys are like my brothers), but because I have to watch the same scene unfold every time–girl sees lots of attractive, single guys, girl flirts with and soaks up all the attention she can possibly get from each of them, occasionally girl causes rift between two male parties, then girl disappears. I basically watch all of the guys get played in one way or another. At first I would think to myself, “They’ll learn.” But it just kept happening. At one point I became very vocal on how I felt about these girls, but that earned me a reputation–and not a very nice one, mind you (so I learned my lesson, and kept my mouth shut)! You try putting up with a bunch of dumb-dumbs playing your friends and tell me how you feel! (I know, I’m so selfish.)

So anyway, since I’ve been back, I haven’t really cared to notice what kind of girls happen to stumble in (and out of) the group and when they have, I’ve even gone out of my way to introduce myself and be nice to the ones that seem to be sticking around (surprising, I know–considering I have a reputation as a “lioness”). But apparently this isn’t enough because I’m still catching flack and I’m not even doing anything.  Guys, yes, your lady friends are cute and yes, they’re nice but that doesn’t mean I don’t see right through them. I know I’m considered “one of the guys” but that doesn’t make me any less of a girl. I know how we operate, I am one. Remember? And I care about and love each and every one of you, even when I’m not feeling the love back. I guess I’m just protective of my friends (guys and girls alike), I have high standards for all of them, and I would hope that you’d feel the same. So please don’t be mad when I’m not as super psyched as you are when someone new enters the scene. Especially when these chicks aren’t exactly psyched on me either. (And why should they be? I’m a single girl hanging out with a bunch of single dudes and that’s not exactly normal.)

I’m a snobby, judgmental elitist. And the ironic thing is, so are you. But I’m not sorry about it.

Dancing kicked my ass last week.

Sometimes I just feel like this:

I’m in need of some stimulation.

You’re one who I’ve decided is one of my kind.

I’m learning to accept compliments. I recently realized that I don’t take them very well and when I receive a compliment I do one of the following:

A) Completely ignore it (because I think you’re full o’ sh*t).

B) Shrug it off and look at you like you’re nuts.

C) Bring attention to something that is less complimentary.

D) Change the subject.

I’m learning these reactions to compliments make me look like the following:

A) A jerk.

B) A snob.

Neither of which I want to be. Therefore, instead of doing the aforementioned A-D and looking like the latter A-B, I am learning to say these:

A) Thank you.

B) Thanks.

(I’m even thinking of throwing in a “I appreciate it.” Fancy, no? Baby steps though–I don’t want to get carried away here.)

How did you come to this sudden realization, you might ask? Well, sometimes I dress up for work (usually on Saturdays and because I don’t have a good reason to dress up otherwise), I bust out my “fun” clothes. On this particular Saturday I had done just that; my good friend and co-worker complimented me on several things and I countered her by bringing attention to something I thought less flattering to which she gave me a look that said, “Give me a freakin’ break. Shut the hell up and just acknowledge the compliments and say ‘thanks’.” And that’s exactly what I did. This look of relief came over her face as she replied, “Jeez, finally! You’re very welcome.”

And that’s when it hit me–that perhaps this is something I should work on. And how hard could it be? I only have to say one or two words and then the whole thing is done and forgotten. Easy peasy. Now, why I have a hard time taking compliments (regarding anything) is a whole other story. The important thing is that I’m willing to try and accept them! (Cheesy smiley face)

I’ve aquired quite a taste for a well-made mistake.

I’d like to retract a statement I once made back in December of 2009,

Oh! I also met someone. And while it was short lived, it was totally worth it.

It wasn’t worth it. Not even a little bit. Not at all. And if I could take it all back–every single second–I would.

The end.

In memory of…

Michael Jackson!

The way you make me feel/You really turn me on/You knock me off of my feet

I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours…

I have writers block. Again. I let my imagination go wild when I run and think about the many stories I’d like to tell or the all of the random shit on my mind I could write about, but when it comes down to actually writing it–sitting down at the computer or with my journal–it’s just not happening. In the meantime, I just keep reading. Here’s what’s piled on my nightstand at the moment:

Flannery O’Connor The Complete Stories (Still!)

David Foster Wallace Consider the Lobster (Should probably just buy this one and return it to its rightful owner.)

John Steinbeck East of Eden (Always. But this is the paperback edition.)

Michael Pollan In Defense of Food (Quick read and hard to put down. I’m actually a little surprised I haven’t finished it yet.)

E.E. Cummings Tulips & Chimneys (Just received this as a gift, but very excited to really break it in.)

Women & Fiction: Short Stories By and About Women (So many fantastic [modern and postmodern] women writers crammed in one little book!)

In other news, weenie dogs really seem to enjoy beer. My estranged son, Buddy was a bit of an alcoholic and I’ve recently found out that my BFF Dottie also has a penchant for beer. Last Sunday, while enjoying a little hair of the dog (that bit me), someone knocked over a beer that was on the ground and Dottie ran over to lap it up. Now, while she is a fat weenie dog, she’s still a small dog and by the time my dad came over to wash the spill off of the bricks, she had already had quite a bit. The next thing I know, while lying on a lounge chair in the sun, enjoying a beer myself, I look over and see Dot on her back with her miniature limbs out limply in the air, lying in the sun. I wish I would have taken a picture. Clearly she was wasted. What normal wiener dog lies on their back? ( I know Dottie does occasionally, but this is usually when she’s wedged in between pillows.) As I kept watching her (and laughing at her), she very, very slowly tipped over to her side which is where she stayed until she had to pee.

What did I ever do before Dottie?

Waiting and fading and floating away.

Summer school is here! Dancing nonstop from 10am to 6pm. I haven’t been this excited since I turned 25. Hopefully my old age won’t hinder me from keeping up with all the youngsters. Har har.

I’m officially a quarter century old! Woot!

Taken from Sedaratives, a monthly advice column written by Amy Sedaris for The Believer.

Dear Amy,

I’ve been single for about a year now, after a long-term relationship fizzled. All of a sudden, I’m starting to get those codependency urges again. So what’s the problem? Simple: I like my independence and the fact that I don’t have to answer to anyone. Especially since I’m a graphic-design major with absolutely no time for a boyfriend. What would you suggest I do to suppress these unwanted feelings without the use of pills or alcohol?

—Looking for an Out Without Slipping In

Dear Slippy,

What’s wrong with pills and alcohol? Are you judging me? It kills the pain. I hate it when people start spewing bullshit like, “You’re going to have to deal with it sooner or later.” Well, not really, because by the time “later” comes, my problem will be over because of the booze and pills. I’m not stupid.

Are you selling any pills?

Amy

Relax into the need, we get so comfortable.

“At such a time it seems natural and good to me to ask myself these questions. What do I believe in? What must I fight for and what must I fight against?

Our species is the only creative species, and it has only one creative instrument, the individual mind and spirit of a man. Nothing was ever created by two men. There are no good collaborations, whether in music, art, in poetry, mathematics, in philosophy. Once the miracle of creation has taken place, the group can build and extend it, but the group never invents anything. The preciousness lies in the lonely mind of a man.

And now the forces marshaled around the concept of the group have declared a war of extermination on that preciousness, the mind of man. By disparagement, by starvation, by repressions, forced direction, and the stunning hammerblows of conditioning, the free, roving mind is being pursued, roped, blunted, drugged. It is a sad suicidal course our species seems to have taken.

And this I believe: that the free, exploring mind of the individual human is the most valuable thing in the world. And this I would fight for: the freedom of the mind to take any direction it wishes, undirected. And this I must fight against: any idea, religion, or government which limits or destroys the individual. This is what I am and what I am about. I can understand why a system built on a pattern must try to destroy the free mind, for that is the one thing which can by inspection destroy such a system. Surely I can understand this, and I hate it and I will fight against it to preserve the one thing that separates us from the uncreative beasts. If the glory can be killed, we are lost.”

–John Steinbeck, East of Eden