I’m screwed.

When my own words fail me, I find comfort in the fact that someone else once felt the way I am feeling now and was able to put those feelings into a more beautiful composition than I most likely could have. So now, for your listening pleasure here is Imogen Heap’s “The Walk”.

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now, ’cause you and I were never meant to be
I think you better leave; it’s not safe in here,
I feel a weakness coming on.

Alright then (Alright then) I could keep your number for a rainy day,
That’s where this ends, no mistakes no misbehaving,
Oh, I was doing so well, can we just be friends,
I feel a weakness coming on.

It’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don’t want to feel like this, yeah,
No it’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don’t want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now; you’re as close as it gets without touching me,
Oh no, don’t make it harder than it already is,
Mmm, I feel a weakness coming on.

It’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don’t want to feel like this, yeah,
No it’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don’t want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.

Big trouble losing control,
Primary resistance at a critical low,
On the double gotta get a hold,
Point of no return one second to go,

No response on any level, red alert this vessels under siege,
Total overload, systems down, they’ve got control,
There’s no way out, we are surrounded,
Give in, give in and relish every minute of it

Freeze, awake here forever, I feel a weakness coming on.

It’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don’t want to feel like this, Yeah,
No it’s not meant to be like this, it’s just what I don’t need,
Why make me feel like this, it’s definitely all your fault.

Feel like this la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (Feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (Feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (Feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault

I will not get attached. I will not get attached. I will not get attached. Oh shoot, I think I might have gotten a little attached…Fuck! And it’s all your fault!

I’m only happy when it rains.

For the first time since I’ve moved back I got that feeling–the one I used to get when I lived in North County before–that suffocated, anxious feeling. It was because of that feeling that I moved away in the first place. I’ve been so content and easy going about this whole moving back situation, that to suddenly experience that sensation again is a bit unsettling. It hit me and I had to pause what I was doing for a moment before I pushed it away and blamed the whole thing on PMS. I hope this doesn’t become a recurring agitation. I’ve got a plan I’m acutely focused on, and that plan involves me being stuck here for at least 2 years.

And with that, I’ll leave you with this:

“Why I Stay”   The Black Heart Procession

This isn’t wise they say
To force a line engraved
Though we may come close
These things won’t ever change
This is why I know
This is why I must go
And so the game is plagued
With the rituals we’ve made
I know we won’t ever learn
These things they’ll never change
This is why I stay
But this is why I must go

Dear, I fear we’re facing a problem.

In all honesty, I kind of feel bad (or maybe ridiculous) for writing that last post. I had actually finished it a couple of weeks prior to posting it, but had a hard time convincing myself to publish it. So it sat there in my queue until I was finally like, “Whatevs.” But, I feel like I’m (please excuse the expression, for lack of a better) beating a dead horse (how did that saying even originate?!). Everything lately has been boys, boys, boys. And you know how I get when all I seem to talk about are boys–annoyed. With myself. I have a close gay, male friend whom I used to share a lot of my “boy problems” with and one day he said, “Well maybe if you stop dealing with boys and start dealing with men, you wouldn’t have so much to worry about.” And I get what he’s saying, but I think I’d still be in the same boat that I am now; which is to say, a sinking one. Thank God I know how to swim.

So no more about boys (for now). I have this great blog that I’m working on about movies I’ve seen as of late where the guy doesn’t end up with the girl, but I’ll just have to save that for later, because techincally, I believe it falls under the “boys” or “men” category. Right?

Anyway, I have a new series I’d like to introduce to this blog, the “Frienterview”! I’m going to do a series/profiles on some of my most favorite people in my life. Exciting, no? I personally thought it was a great idea. As soon as I have all of my interview questions ready, I’ll get my first frienterview posted. But at this time I’d like to ask, do I have any volunteers?! (You know that any of you who read this and know me personally are of course in that “favorite people” category–so don’t hesitate to volunteer and be interviewed!)

Do you have an opinion? A mind of your own? I thought you were special.  I thought you should know.

Loving is fine if you have plenty of time for walking on stilts at the edge of your mind.

Relationships and dating often come up as a topic of conversation for my close girlfriends and myself–give us a break, we’re single, twenty-somethings who can’t seem to figure out why we’re still single. On one hand I’m OK with being single, in fact, I don’t even want to date– but this doesn’t mean I’m completely OK with it. And to manage with this sentiment, I often joke about it because it’s not fun to deal with if there is no humor. Whatevs. It works. We all tell ourselves silly things at one point or another to make ourselves feel better. Right? Anyway. When we start talking about this stuff–the games that are played, the men in our lives (or lack there of), the crushes, etc. my mind wanders to past relationships and the major lessons I’ve learned–the real reasons I’m not so down to date anymore. I’ve narrowed it down to two reasons:

1. I don’t want to lose myself in a relationship. I don’t want to give myself up for someone else. I’m selfish;  it took me a long to figure this out and I’m not ready to compromise. And I’m afraid of what will happen if I do.

2. I refuse to play games–especially with matters of the heart. Give me honesty, or get the hell out of my way. The end.

And that’s it, really. I’d say those are pretty valid reasons. I’d just rather be single. And until I meet someone that just completely blows me away and takes me for who I am and gives me that feeling–you know, that nervous-excited, butterflies in the stomach, tingly feeling– this is just the way it’s going to be.

And with that, I leave you with the words of Alanis Morissette, whose song I believe conveys my sentiments on this matter exactly. Enjoy!

I don’t want to be the filler if the void is solely yours
I don’t want to be your glass of single malt whiskey
Hidden in the bottom drawer
I don’t want to be the bandage if the wound is not mine
Lend me some fresh air
I don’t want to be adored for what I merely represent to you
I don’t want to be to be your babysitter
You’re a very big boy now
I don’t want to be you mother
I didn’t carry you in my womb for nine months
Show me the back door

Visiting hours are 9 to 5 and if I show up at half past six
Well I already know that you’d find some way to sneak me in and oh
Mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom
You see it’s too much to ask for and I’m not the doctor

I don’t want to be the sweeper of the eggshells that you walk upon
I don’t want to be your other half I believe that 1 and 1 make 2
I don’t want to be your food or the light from the fridge
on your face at midnight
Hey what are you hungry for
I don’t want to be the glue that holds your pieces together
I don’t want to be your idol
See this pedestal is high and I’m afraid of heights
I don’t want to be lived through
A vicarious occasion
Please open the window