The Seven (and then some) Stages of a Break Up.

 1. Hurt/Angry: You’re angry and sad; you cry and you yell and cry some more because it hurts so bad and you feel so violated and you’re angry and just can’t stop until you pass out from exhaustion.

*Somewhere in between you start to remind yourself of something a friend once told you: “It’s OK when your heart breaks because…” but you can’t remember the rest so you just keep telling yourself, “It’s OK when your heart breaks. It’s OK.”

2. Shock: You go through your day-to-day life numbly; a hollow shell of your former self. You may even be able to talk about the break up without crying. The Hurt/Anger comes back sporadically during this time, the pain coming from your heart in small doses is released via tears.

3. Sadness: Deep, painful, unbearable sadness that renders you incapable of keeping your composure and the only thing running through your head is, “Why?” And you suddenly want everything to rewind and go back to normal and you want to start over but know you can’t and so you just keep crying until your eyes are puffy and your nose is raw and there’s a pile of crumpled tissues next to your bed and you tell yourself you’d rather be numb again or even bent over a toilet hungover; anything but what you feel now. Why? Why? Why?

This lasts for two days, but no more than three because you tell yourself you’re stronger than that and you remind yourself, “It’s OK when your heart breaks.”

4. Sadness Aftershocks: The sadness lingers, but is random. You feel the tears well-up when you have to talk about it, but you embrace and release, knowing that day-by-day it’s slowly fading and like a ship leaving the harbor, eventually it will be out of sight.

5. One Week: You hit the one-week-since-break-up mark without even realizing it and determine that starting now, there will be no more tears!

And there aren’t anymore. You experience quiet, quick moments of sadness but instead of dwelling on them, you move forward, past them. And for now, everything seems to be getting better…

6. Loss of Confidence: Self explanatory. You feel fat, ugly, dumb, etc. Generally unattractive as a whole. You wonder why guys don’t like you, why they cheat and then you feel worse that someone has robbed you of your confidence and you’re annoyed at yourself for letting them and that you’re feeling sorry for yourself and thinking this way in the first place! Annoyed! And fat!

*Somewhere in between these you actually miss him. But you loved him and you’re dealing with this break up and you’re lonely, so of course you would. Plus, you’re pms’ing and that’s what you chalk most (if not all) of these lonely feelings up to.

7. Man Hater Mode: You can’t stand them. You can’t stand the thought of being touched or kissed or holding hands. The thought of sex turns your stomach. You have to constantly pull yourself from a pessimistic place and remember the words of one of your oldest friends from the last time you went through a nasty break up: “You are not a man hater!” And this is what you constantly remind yourself, “I am not a man hater! I’m just going through a difficult time!” But you’re still having a hard time conversing (in a kind manner) with your male compatriots and you’re secretly hoping their romantic relationships crash and burn. And then you immediately feel absolutely terrible for thinking it (and actually writing it out!) and take it all back because, “I am not a man hater! I’m just going through a difficult time!”

Slowly all of this will fade and your confidence begins to reemerge and you stick with your current mantas, “It’s OK when your heart breaks” and “I am not a man hater! I’m just going through a difficult time!” and use the amazing, overwhelming, awe-inspiring love and support of your beautiful friends and family to help you heal. And you realize that while you may be jaded and pessimistic (and perhaps a bit self-deprecating), ultimately you haven’t given up on love. However, during this time you have also been contemplating the saying, “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” and think that maybe Alfred Lord Tennyson was full of shit (or drunk) when he said that. And then you laugh to yourself because you’re (mostly) kidding. Mostly.

And life goes on…

Who do you think you are?

“Jar of Hearts”

No I can’t take one more step towards you, ’cause all that’s waiting is regret
And don’t you know I’m not your ghost anymore, you lost the love I loved the most
I’ve learned to live half alive, and now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are, running round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts, and tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me, who do you think you are?

I hear you’re asking all around if I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong to ever fall back in your arms
I’ve learned to live half alive, and now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are, running round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts, and tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me, who do you think you are?

It took so long just to feel all right, remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed, ’cause you broke all your promises
And now you’re back, you’re looking to get me back

And who do you think you are, running round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts, and tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul
So don’t come back for me, don’t come back at all

And who do you think you are, running round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts, tearing love apart
You’re gonna catch a cold from the ice inside your soul
Don’t come back for me, don’t come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

–Christina Perri

I’d rather walk alone than chase you around.

National Poetry Month is coming to a close. Today is Poem in Your Pocket Day, select a poem, carry it around and share it throughout your day! Here’s my poem:

I carry your heart with me (I carry it in
my heart) I am never without it (anywhere
I go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)

I fear

No fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) I want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

Here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)

–E.E. Cummings

He knew he was wrong, but he knew it too late.

Now that the link has finally been enabled, I think this is worth sharing. It’s one of my favorites for the obvious reasons. Watch as Fiona Apples tries not to laugh and smile…This song, and and more so the video make me happy. Especially as of late.

“And last night’s phrases, sick with lack of basis, are still writhing on my floor. And it doesn’t seem fair, that your wicked words should work in holding me down.”

Oh, to be so painfully hip.

Hipsters. Love them or hate them, they’re everywhere…San Diego, San Francisco and soon I’ll find out if they’re in Minnesota! But that’s beside the point. Here’s a conversation a friend and I recently had about hipsters (please excuse any and all spelling and grammatical errors–it is just chat after all):

1:20 PM me:what should i have to drink from the fully stocked fridge?

dr. pepper? an izze?

k*****: beer

me: hahahaha. i wish!

k*****: oh damn

well

root beer?

??

me: we have cream soda

?

k*****: eh

me: that’s close

k*****: yeah. . .

1:21 PM i think dr pepper sounds nice. .. what kind of izze do you have?

me: i think we have clementine and raspberry

k*****: HM

raspberry sounds nice.

🙂

1:22 PM me: i think so too!

and those are supposedly “all natural”

k*****: oh well yeah definitely go with that one, for hipster factor alone!

hahaha

me: hahahahaha

1:23 PM oh to be so painfully hip!

i think hipsters come from the emo family

k*****: oh yeah?

me: you know, like cats and leopards are in the “family”

k*****: right

i think you’re definitely onto something there

i could see that.

1:24 PM you should write a blog about it

🙂

me: i was just going to say that!

k*****: it should be titled “Oh to be so painfully hip”

i like that

me: i was thinking of more things to talk about for our show…i should have written them down

k*****: 🙂

me: haha. good idea!

k*****: yeah

1:25 PM yeah that should definitely be video blog topic

hipsterssss

and their many variations

me: ooooooh! how we love to hate them and hate them because we love them so (the boys anyway)

1:26 PM k*****: yeah, just the boys

its definitely a love/hate

me: ya

1:27 PM k*****: i can only love them from afar, because then i start to loathe them after about 2 minutes of staring at their skinny legs and nasty haircuts

1:30 PM me: agreed

1:31 PM and if they’re going to keep their hair long, i really wish they would wash it once in a while…

i know i’m pretty scuzzy sometimes, but pretty, clean, soft hair is more of a turn on

k*****: yeah, and maybe cut it so that one side wasnt noticeably longer than the other

me: instead of that weird unwashed hair smell

hahahahahaha

1:32 PM (oh and i was wrong, it’s “sparkling pomegranate”)

k*****: mmm

that sounds delicious

and very hip

So there you have it…one day I will go into more detail about my theory of hipsters and their taxonomic category–being related to those emo kids, and the emos being related to the goths and so on and so forth…but for now, this is all you get (mostly because I haven’t had the time to fully research and think this idea through)!

Also, you may have noticed a reference to a “video blog.” That’s right, we’re actually toying with the idea of creating our own “reality” (of sorts) show; seeing as we’ve talked about it before and apparently no one is going to make it for us, we going to take matters into our own hands! However, I must admit that I’ve never been one to feel comfortable in front of a camera (I think it has something to do with the shyness) and I really hate seeing myself on film, but we’ll see what happens…so stayed tuned for that.

“Give me a yellow brick road and a Japanese car and benevolent change”