Posts Tagged 'Scared'

I’m screwed.

When my own words fail me, I find comfort in the fact that someone else once felt the way I am feeling now and was able to put those feelings into a more beautiful composition than I most likely could have. So now, for your listening pleasure here is Imogen Heap’s “The Walk”.

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now, ’cause you and I were never meant to be
I think you better leave; it’s not safe in here,
I feel a weakness coming on.

Alright then (Alright then) I could keep your number for a rainy day,
That’s where this ends, no mistakes no misbehaving,
Oh, I was doing so well, can we just be friends,
I feel a weakness coming on.

It’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don’t want to feel like this, yeah,
No it’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don’t want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now; you’re as close as it gets without touching me,
Oh no, don’t make it harder than it already is,
Mmm, I feel a weakness coming on.


It’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don’t want to feel like this, yeah,
No it’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don’t want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.

Big trouble losing control,
Primary resistance at a critical low,
On the double gotta get a hold,
Point of no return one second to go,

No response on any level, red alert this vessels under siege,
Total overload, systems down, they’ve got control,
There’s no way out, we are surrounded,
Give in, give in and relish every minute of it

Freeze, awake here forever, I feel a weakness coming on.

It’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don’t want to feel like this, Yeah,
No it’s not meant to be like this, it’s just what I don’t need,
Why make me feel like this, it’s definitely all your fault.

Feel like this la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (Feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (Feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (Feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault

I will not get attached. I will not get attached. I will not get attached. Oh shoot, I think I might have gotten a little attached…Fuck! And it’s all your fault!

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I’d like long hair now, please.

So, it’s not as if I don’t have anything to write; it’s just that I haven’t the patience to write it. But I’ll give it a go…I just don’t know where to start…

This past month has been…different. Obviously, I’ve been dealing with the fact that I’m leaving San Francisco; the place I’ve called home for the past two years and that’s been an ever changing struggle in itself, but one that I feel I’m handling quite well (now that I’ve pretty much gotten over the denial). For practically the first half of this month I’ve been out of state. At first I had only planned on being gone for about 4 days, but then decided to further my denial about leaving and going away for 10 days instead; making moving out of SF out of sight and practically out of mind. Clearly I enjoy putting off the shit I don’t want to deal with until I absolutely have to.

So, as you may (or may not) remember, I made a small post about my last trip to Minnesota: Misuse of drugs and alcohol before the flight, hangovers, petrified cats and insomnia. It was a quick trip, so I didn’t really get comfortable until the last day I was there. This trip was a little different…

Now, I know you’re thinking, “Minnesota?! What a joke! What could there possibly be to do there?!” And you’re right, there isn’t much. However, it was a nice break from the city. To start, I hung out on my brother’s yacht on the Mississippi for the first four days I was there. From airport straight to yacht. It was fantastic. I relaxed, I swam, I ate, enjoyed time with my family, I took in the scenes. There was live music and fireworks every night.

Once we got back to my brothers house, my week consisted of sleeping in, going to the pool and swimming laps, drinking coffee, reading, writing and exploration. All of this I did with my new BFF Rex:

Rex the MinPin aka TinyWonderDog.

Rex the MinPin aka TinyWonderDog.

He was pretty awesome. I honestly didn’t like him much when we first met–he was tiny, pea-brained and seemed to have zero personality. Turns out, he was just shy. We seemed to have a connection and it was sad when I had to leave.

Now, I’m sure this all sounds relaxing and easygoing, but this is where that all ends; because on the last night of my trip I was fairly positive I was going to die! And no, I’m not joking. I was sending out text messages to those near and dear to me letting them know that I love them because I was 99.9% positive that it was all going to be over after that night.

Long story short, I got in the car with someone I trusted, but didn’t know well, who also turned out to be drunk. He was driving 110+ mph on a windy, two-lane highway in the rain, drunk. And the Camero we were in didn’t have airbags because they had already been deployed at one point or another. The driver had also totaled his truck just a few weeks prior because he was drunk (go figure) and hit a tree.  (My brother is under the impression he hit a deer that ran out in front of him, I didn’t get the real story until I was already in the Camero going 110 down the highway.) Anyway, the next thing I know, there’s a sharp turn in the highway and we’re doing 360’s all over the highway and land in a ditch (that we almost weren’t able to get out of). I felt as if I was in a video game or bad action flick. I kept envisioning us flipping over and burning alive or spinning out of control into another car or tree next. Either way, it was going to be painful and I was going to end up dead on some podunk highway in rural Minnesota. I kept trying to think of a way to escape the situation, but all of my solutions left me alone in the near dark, in the rain, in the middle of nowhere. Let the text messaging ensue.

To be continued…