Archive for December, 2008

I would like a time machine for Christmas, please.

I’m alive! And the semester from hell is finally over; only to be completely redone in a few weeks. What a sorry waste. One of these days I’ll be happy with the major I settle with and finally graduate.

Anyway, the shit really hit the fan in the last couple weeks, but I seem to be recovering just fine. I swear I lost my head completely for quite some time there, and it feels good to have it back on straight. I feel like Sally from “Nightmare Before Christmas”. She falls apart, but she just sews herself right back together and keeps on keepin’ on. The only problem are the scars, but even those eventually fade away with time. (Well, maybe not in her case, but you know what I mean.) What else is a girl to do, really? Life goes on and I don’t plan on slowing down or giving up just yet.

In other news, my bestest friend is coming to visit me, and I am nothing short of ecstatic! It will definitely be amazing to have her here (almost) all to myself . 🙂

So, this post is pretty much complete crap, but when I don’t write I start to feel this gnawing guilt, so I figured I would give it a go, even though I don’t have much to write about. Plus, I just wanted you to know that I want a time machine for Christmas, and if anyone could help me out with that, that would me awesome.

And remember, “Now you’ll never see/What you’ve done to me/You can take back your memories/They’re no good to me/And here’s all your lies.” (I’ve decided that I’m going to leave random lyrics at the end of every other post now.)

Thank you, and goodnight.

It’s hard to take risks with a pessimist.

I started writing this long ago. And perhaps I shouldn’t be sharing it…?

Love is a funny thing. Actually, it’s not very funny at all. I mean, occasionally it can be, but for the most part, in my own experiences, it’s a complete mind fuck. It’s one of those crazy concepts/emotions/feelings that I can never fully grasp. I could go in circles all day thinking about it and no “relationship expert” or self help book on love, relationships, break ups will ever help.

Following the biggest break up of my young life thus far, I once spent an entire day in a bookstore in the self help section browsing books on love/relationships/break ups, etc. Relationship experts all have something different to say, which in turn ends up all being the same–they have “advice” but no real answers. I’ve agonized over the idea of  “falling in love” and even more so over the concept of “falling out of love”. How exactly does one “fall”? I understand that when falling in love it’s a combination of qualities that one finds attractive in another; you could even go as far as taking into consideration all of the chemical and astrological theories out there– pheromones and signs.

But what about falling out of love? How is it possible to love someone so completely, totally enamored for years possibly, to feel as though you want to spend the rest of your life with this person and then wake up one day and realize that this is no longer true? You just “fell” out of love. Does that mean that all of those feelings for that person were a lie? Where did this love go that was so true just days, weeks, months ago? “I loved you for years more than anyone else in my entire life, and now I don’t. You didn’t really do anything wrong, I just seemed to have misplaced my love for you somewhere…sorry!” WTF?! Are you kidding me? That’s not fair.

Having once thought that I had found “the one” only to be wrong a few years later baffled me. So I turned to my mother, who has been happily married to my father for the last 25 years (and counting) and asked how she knew that dad was “the one”. Her answer, “You just know.” OK? Well, I thought I knew; in fact it was the only thing I was completely sure of in my life at the time and then suddenly, it wasn’t. So now what? How did I go from being so sure, to not sure at all? It scares me. What scares me even more is the thought of this happening over and over and over. Wasting years and hurting others and myself. Will I just lose it all every few years and repeat the entire process? Will I always hit a fork in the road and be forced to choose? So many questions and never enough answers. Or maybe I’m just not patient enough to wait for them.

I guess it all comes down to guilt. I feel terrible that I was once deeply in love with someone and now, I no longer am. I’ll always love him, I’m just not in love with him. I guess as soon as you start to doubt that other person or yourself, it’s all over. Especially if that doubt cannot be proven wrong and one or the other no longer has the faith to work it out.

Unfortunately, I’m quite a shy, socially anxious person at times (I hide it well, no? Hence drinking in social situations.  Haha.) and it takes me a while to warm up to people, assuming I don’t let my insecurities (a.k.a. defects) get in the way. And being like this certainly doesn’t help in the relationship department (friendly or otherwise), nor does the fear of repeating the long term dating process. Put those two together and I’m bound to be a hermit for the rest of my life. Well, maybe not a hermit, but pretty single. I’ll probably have a dog or something. Either way, I’ve become pretty good at sabotaging myself and pushing people away for fear of something that’s eventually going to happen regardless.

Anyway, does anyone else ever think about these things? Do they bother anyone else? Have you ever found yourself in a similar situation? I just need some answers here people. It’s a mind fuck.

I’ve been listening to NIN a little too much lately.

So, I’ve got two blogs in the works. One for here, and the other for the joint blog I have with my associate. Now, you might ask yourself why I am bothering to write a blog about the fact that I’m in the middle of working on more blogs. The answer is simple–it may be a few days or weeks before either is finished, and I didn’t want my three loyal readers to think that I abandoned them. Anyway, both of the new blogs are really long, and personal, so I’m having a hard time getting the courage to post either. Plus, because of their length, they need MAJOR revision, which I’m currently working on; these babies have to be almost spotless before I will even consider “publishing” them.

So bare with me and hang tight. I’m also approaching finals and have a million other things to write that actually earn me a grade, so they take precedence.

In the meantime, remember: “What goes around, comes back around.”

Seen in the City II

Now, I know that I absoutely loved that smashed face cat, and it probably should have been a “Seen in the City” segment, but I honestly forgot all about the “Seen in the City” series until now…

Seen on Tuesday (12.2): This one I actually found really depressing, but it was on Powell St. as I was roaming around on my lunch break. There was a homeless man with a black dog laying on a piece of cardboard, apparently asleep, with a cat laying on the dogs back (also asleep) and then two rats laying on the cats back, also “asleep”. All I could think when I saw this little sideshow on the sidewalk was that those animals had to have been sedated…or dead. How else do you get all of those animals to just lay there? The dog in paticular looked really sad.

The whole scene just made me really uncomfortable and sad.