Never betray the way you’ve always known it is.

Sometimes I just want to be the “hot girl”. Not the nice, smart, funny, quirky girl. Ya know, just once? Then again, on second thought, let’s dismantle the first two sentences I just wrote:

Sometimes I just want to be the “hot girl”.

There’s only one word that describes this kind of girl: hot. This suggests there’s nothing else to her–just her looks–society has deemed her “hot” and nothing else. She’s more concerned about her make up (and probably her hair) then perhaps, her education, what she could be doing with her life, the lives of those around her, the world around her–just a general lack of worldliness and self-awareness. Hmm…does that really sounds like something I would like to be?

Then again, if society has deemed her “hot” perhaps beforehand she had had aspirations to be something more? And then she got branded and it’s was all over. Now I think I’m just giving her too much credit. Hah. These girls are this way because they want to be and it’s easy for them (among many other things. And I’m sure there’s much more to her than being hot, you know, like being…something…).

Not the nice, smart, funny, quirky girl.

Right off the bat, we have four (4) adjectives, and they’re all good ones I’d say, by any standards. I don’t know of any girl who wouldn’t want to be considered nice, smart, funny or even quirky (although, that one may be considered iffy). Those are all great things to be; they make one multidimensional, which is also a great thing. This is the kind of girl that has layers and I’m sure there’s more to her than just those four adjectives.

So why not just be the “nice, smart, funny, quirky, attractive” girl.  I mean, I don’t consider myself hideous, so why not at least consider myself attractive or pretty? Cute, maybe? Something along those lines. It really shouldn’t be this difficult.

Personally, I’ve never felt comfortable referring to myself as someone who is “hot” or “sexy” or even “beautiful” for that matter. And if you have ever heard me refer to myself as such, it was most certainly a joke. Or, sarcasm.

Why worry about being hot when I can just be myself? Sheesh.

I can’t explain the state that I’m in, the state of my heart…

I can’t decide which hurts more, my head or my heart. They’re in a constant battle and I’m waiting for the day that they stop fighting and just finally agree on something. I mean, come on already, I can only handle so much!

As previously mentioned (way back when), I tend to sabotage myself when things are going well. And right now, things are going well (in more ways than one, but maybe not in every area I’d like?), so I can’t decide if I sabotaged myself, or for once I’m just being smart in the man department. Either way, it’s not fun.

That’s life though, right? What’s a girl to do?