It’s hard to take risks with a pessimist.

I started writing this long ago. And perhaps I shouldn’t be sharing it…?

Love is a funny thing. Actually, it’s not very funny at all. I mean, occasionally it can be, but for the most part, in my own experiences, it’s a complete mind fuck. It’s one of those crazy concepts/emotions/feelings that I can never fully grasp. I could go in circles all day thinking about it and no “relationship expert” or self help book on love, relationships, break ups will ever help.

Following the biggest break up of my young life thus far, I once spent an entire day in a bookstore in the self help section browsing books on love/relationships/break ups, etc. Relationship experts all have something different to say, which in turn ends up all being the same–they have “advice” but no real answers. I’ve agonized over the idea of  “falling in love” and even more so over the concept of “falling out of love”. How exactly does one “fall”? I understand that when falling in love it’s a combination of qualities that one finds attractive in another; you could even go as far as taking into consideration all of the chemical and astrological theories out there– pheromones and signs.

But what about falling out of love? How is it possible to love someone so completely, totally enamored for years possibly, to feel as though you want to spend the rest of your life with this person and then wake up one day and realize that this is no longer true? You just “fell” out of love. Does that mean that all of those feelings for that person were a lie? Where did this love go that was so true just days, weeks, months ago? “I loved you for years more than anyone else in my entire life, and now I don’t. You didn’t really do anything wrong, I just seemed to have misplaced my love for you somewhere…sorry!” WTF?! Are you kidding me? That’s not fair.

Having once thought that I had found “the one” only to be wrong a few years later baffled me. So I turned to my mother, who has been happily married to my father for the last 25 years (and counting) and asked how she knew that dad was “the one”. Her answer, “You just know.” OK? Well, I thought I knew; in fact it was the only thing I was completely sure of in my life at the time and then suddenly, it wasn’t. So now what? How did I go from being so sure, to not sure at all? It scares me. What scares me even more is the thought of this happening over and over and over. Wasting years and hurting others and myself. Will I just lose it all every few years and repeat the entire process? Will I always hit a fork in the road and be forced to choose? So many questions and never enough answers. Or maybe I’m just not patient enough to wait for them.

I guess it all comes down to guilt. I feel terrible that I was once deeply in love with someone and now, I no longer am. I’ll always love him, I’m just not in love with him. I guess as soon as you start to doubt that other person or yourself, it’s all over. Especially if that doubt cannot be proven wrong and one or the other no longer has the faith to work it out.

Unfortunately, I’m quite a shy, socially anxious person at times (I hide it well, no? Hence drinking in social situations.  Haha.) and it takes me a while to warm up to people, assuming I don’t let my insecurities (a.k.a. defects) get in the way. And being like this certainly doesn’t help in the relationship department (friendly or otherwise), nor does the fear of repeating the long term dating process. Put those two together and I’m bound to be a hermit for the rest of my life. Well, maybe not a hermit, but pretty single. I’ll probably have a dog or something. Either way, I’ve become pretty good at sabotaging myself and pushing people away for fear of something that’s eventually going to happen regardless.

Anyway, does anyone else ever think about these things? Do they bother anyone else? Have you ever found yourself in a similar situation? I just need some answers here people. It’s a mind fuck.


2 Responses to “It’s hard to take risks with a pessimist.”

  1. 1 eye8theidea December 21, 2008 at 5:07 pm

    i completely hear you on this one, rose. i was ready to marry this guy at age 19 (quite some time ago), and when it didn’t work out, i kept asking myself: was i REALLY in love? i guess i don’t know what it means to be in love, either. i’ve seen a lot of people fall out of love after having been in it for many years; perhaps it’s a matter of managing our expectations? i honestly don’t know. good luck to you!

  1. 1 I can’t explain the state that I’m in, the state of my heart… « goodnight, rose Trackback on March 13, 2010 at 11:59 pm

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