I think I am dying.

Actually, I know I am. Very slowly, every single day. But so is everyone else.

Please play this at my funeral (as well as the rest of the songs in the playlist I’ve entitled “I felt a funeral in my brain” in my personal journal.)

Happy Birthday, Jane Austen!

You saucy minx, you!

To celebrate her birth, let us remember one of the most widely read writers in English literature through some of the quotes and fine advice she has bestowed upon us throughout her lifetime. (Please read: these are some of my favorite Jane Austen quotes and I figured I’d share them with you to commemorate her birth.):

 

• I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.

• It sometimes happens that a woman is handsomer at twenty-nine than she was ten years before.

• One man’s style must not be the rule of another’s.

• Selfishness must always be forgiven you know, because there is no hope of a cure.

• The more I know of the world, the more I am convinced that I shall never see a man whom I can really love.

• The person, be it gentleman or lady, who has not pleasure in a good novel, must be intolerably stupid.

• There is no charm equal to tenderness of heart.

• There is nothing like staying at home for real comfort.

• To be fond of dancing was a certain step towards falling in love.

• A person who can write a long letter with ease, cannot write ill.

• Happiness in marriage is entirely a matter of chance.



 

I just want to sleep for a week.

This is pretty awesome.

Enjoy!

“I’ve been saved by a woman.” –Ray LaMontagne

Whilst waiting for my sister to finish her guest blog, I figured I’d share these little gems I’ve collected throughout time from good ‘ol Craigslist. I love this kind of shit. I find it comforting that these (witty, sarcastic) women are out there; women I semi-relate to (which is probably why I find these so entertaining).

Enjoy.

Woman seeks Man for Manly Duties

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Date: 2009-01-30, 12:30PM EST

 

I would like a man to perform some duties that have become beholden to him through generations of selection, and to a lesser degree, racism, sexism and plain stupidity.

Here’s what I need. I need a man, first and foremost, to get my damn car out of the snow. There’s only one of me. I need someone to push it and by “it” I mean car. You can say, “crank it!” or maybe “gun it!” or “that’s my FOOT, goddammit!” Seriously I need groceries. Oh. Also I need a tune-up. On the car. I can help, I will purchase the air filter and flushing fluid or whatever.

Now, other things I need you to do include some simple patchwork on my walls. Then you’ll need to paint of course. I mean, I could do this I guess, but see I lack the tools and this just would be a nice gesture on your part. Also I’m going to need furniture and its subsequent arrangement. You are the perfect candidate what with your higher muscle to fat ratio. Remember to lift with your knees, hon. Also the bathroom is pretty gross. It needs to be finished since my man-boy landlord figure is as useless, as say, the elder Rocky Balboa, electric toothbrushes (are you really so lazy you find the task of rotating a toothbrush in circular manner yourself daunting?) and WalMart.

I don’t currently have anyone whose ass needs to be whooped, but we will work on that. I’d expect no less of you than to fly into a jealous mad rage for my dubious honor. I’d be mad at first but then secretly delighted.

I’d also like a man to be more knowledgeable about alcohol than I am. I don’t drink that much. But I enjoy it and I don’t know what to order. You may NOT take advantage of this arrangement by sitting bourbon in front of me, repeatedly, and letting me drink it because if I didn’t it would be wasted. You know how I hate waste. But I also hate dry-heaving and sleeping with my contacts in.

I need someone with whom I can purchase a house. You can store your wall patch, metric wrenches, and girly mags (frown) in it and I will store myself and collection of houseplants. I can’t justify buying a house myself. And certainly the steps would be crooked or a door mis-hung and there are limits, as mentioned previously, to my supreme handiness. You can have a workshop and I want a large bathtub surrounded my mysterious feminine products subtly reminding me that my wa-hoo is dirty and thus I am not worthy of love/validation. I think we should get some cats.

While I have a computer, obviously, it is probably laden with viruses and insecure and god knows what else. I bet you can fix this. I’d also like decent speakers through which to broadcast woxy, wnku, and npr. Really anything with letters. If you are unfamiliar with these broadcasts, please exit stage right and slip on the ice immediately.

In return, I perform Womanly Duties that have become beholden to me through generations of selection, and to a lesser degree, racism, sexism, and plain stupidity. They include: being more socially and environmentally conscious than you generally speaking, eating healthy (and making you eat healthy too), being passive-aggressive instead of directly communicating, complaining that you are too sensitive, witholding sex in case of argument, and perhaps bearing your offspring. Things I don’t do that women may typically do include shopping (except food and your ass is coming to the farmers market too), asking you about my ass, and talking excessively.

Things I find unacceptable but could possibly turn my head if performed your Duties include excess. Such as excessive smoking, excessive gaming, excessive masturbation, excessive TV, excessive leaving your dirty socks/dishes strewn about, really excessive anything. Things you find unacceptable but could possibly turn your head might include: negativity (working on it), thrift (not working on it), excess sarcasm (see previous statement). Also I only really shave during the summer and then only knee-length. Frequently the hair on my head is just out of control.

I except that your bad habits will influence me and shorten my life span and my good habits will influence yours and lengthen your life span. Nonetheless, you will die before me and then I’ll have to post on Craigslist again. Until then I look forward to your replies which either praise me or tell me to go fuck myself.

Sincerely,
Me

WANTED: Husband – w4m

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Date: 2009-01-26, 11:55AM EST

 

After too many trips to Home Depot and Lowe’s it has become apparent to me that I need a husband. I am currently accepting applications.

Suitable candidates should be able to demonstrate proof of the following:

– ability to fix stuff around the house, car repair a major plus
– can lift heavy objects without complaining
– can offer an opinion on home decorations (but not too vociferously should they differ from my own)
– ability to get lid off tough jars/cans of paint/other packaging
– ability to carry stuff for me where necessary
– high boredom threshold re. multiple trips to Lowe’s and Home Depot
– high performing “man parts”

Ability to carry out minor plumbing and electrical projects, hold a conversation on a variety of topics, some level of social skills, emotional maturity, creativity, interest in culture/politics etc and financial solvency are a plus but not essential. Well, on that last point… I do want a boob job and can’t really afford one.

Bonus points for: ownership of power tools (and knowledge of how to use them) and suitable transport for necessary purchases.

What you will get is a wife who fits the following description:
– brown hair and eyes, average height, curvy figure
– no kids, no drama
– relatively intelligent/interesting/attractive
– considered to have a somewhat dry sense of humor
– raised in the south and has good southern manners
– can take me to meet your mom/boss/friends without embarrassment
– loves sex and will put you to the test to keep up with her

Please send applications including full relationship history, previous ‘fixing stuff’ experience, salary details, your social security number, your mother’s maiden name, full medical history, five references, your inside leg measurement and shoe size to the CL email address above.

Preliminary interviews will be held in the coming weeks and may include a practical exercise.

Previous applicants need not apply.

Seeking Arranged Marriage

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Date: 2009-01-25, 1:03PM PST

 

TO ALL AVAILABLE MEN
SO… I’m single, tired of mingling, and looking to get hitched. Thing is, I’m pretty frustrated with the legwork and my solution is to pass the buck on to my parents and let them go ahead and choose for me, the way it was (is) done in the good old days (South Asia). So if you’re a single guy, hoping for marriage and kids (not more than two) in the future, and willing to roll with the punches, let’s get your folks in on this too.

Here’s what I’m thinking… You respond to this with your parental contact info, which I will pass along to mine… Then, I figure we can just butt out until the wedding. Let’s let them hammer out the details, investigate compatibility, and argue about a dowry.

Me: 26 year old female with a generally positive outlook on life, one salary, three piercings, zero tattoos, one car, one hamster, and one (slightly used) vagina. I’d be willing to consider getting re-virginized if this is a deal-breaker for your family.

I’d prefer not to convert to your religion, but I would consider relocation if my travel expenses were covered.

Looking forward to the big day. Maybe we’ll meet once or twice before then… I’m leaving that up to my mom.