Posts Tagged 'Craigslist'

“I’ve been saved by a woman.” –Ray LaMontagne

Whilst waiting for my sister to finish her guest blog, I figured I’d share these little gems I’ve collected throughout time from good ‘ol Craigslist. I love this kind of shit. I find it comforting that these (witty, sarcastic) women are out there; women I semi-relate to (which is probably why I find these so entertaining).

Enjoy.

Woman seeks Man for Manly Duties


Date: 2009-01-30, 12:30PM EST

 

I would like a man to perform some duties that have become beholden to him through generations of selection, and to a lesser degree, racism, sexism and plain stupidity.

Here’s what I need. I need a man, first and foremost, to get my damn car out of the snow. There’s only one of me. I need someone to push it and by “it” I mean car. You can say, “crank it!” or maybe “gun it!” or “that’s my FOOT, goddammit!” Seriously I need groceries. Oh. Also I need a tune-up. On the car. I can help, I will purchase the air filter and flushing fluid or whatever.

Now, other things I need you to do include some simple patchwork on my walls. Then you’ll need to paint of course. I mean, I could do this I guess, but see I lack the tools and this just would be a nice gesture on your part. Also I’m going to need furniture and its subsequent arrangement. You are the perfect candidate what with your higher muscle to fat ratio. Remember to lift with your knees, hon. Also the bathroom is pretty gross. It needs to be finished since my man-boy landlord figure is as useless, as say, the elder Rocky Balboa, electric toothbrushes (are you really so lazy you find the task of rotating a toothbrush in circular manner yourself daunting?) and WalMart.

I don’t currently have anyone whose ass needs to be whooped, but we will work on that. I’d expect no less of you than to fly into a jealous mad rage for my dubious honor. I’d be mad at first but then secretly delighted.

I’d also like a man to be more knowledgeable about alcohol than I am. I don’t drink that much. But I enjoy it and I don’t know what to order. You may NOT take advantage of this arrangement by sitting bourbon in front of me, repeatedly, and letting me drink it because if I didn’t it would be wasted. You know how I hate waste. But I also hate dry-heaving and sleeping with my contacts in.

I need someone with whom I can purchase a house. You can store your wall patch, metric wrenches, and girly mags (frown) in it and I will store myself and collection of houseplants. I can’t justify buying a house myself. And certainly the steps would be crooked or a door mis-hung and there are limits, as mentioned previously, to my supreme handiness. You can have a workshop and I want a large bathtub surrounded my mysterious feminine products subtly reminding me that my wa-hoo is dirty and thus I am not worthy of love/validation. I think we should get some cats.

While I have a computer, obviously, it is probably laden with viruses and insecure and god knows what else. I bet you can fix this. I’d also like decent speakers through which to broadcast woxy, wnku, and npr. Really anything with letters. If you are unfamiliar with these broadcasts, please exit stage right and slip on the ice immediately.

In return, I perform Womanly Duties that have become beholden to me through generations of selection, and to a lesser degree, racism, sexism, and plain stupidity. They include: being more socially and environmentally conscious than you generally speaking, eating healthy (and making you eat healthy too), being passive-aggressive instead of directly communicating, complaining that you are too sensitive, witholding sex in case of argument, and perhaps bearing your offspring. Things I don’t do that women may typically do include shopping (except food and your ass is coming to the farmers market too), asking you about my ass, and talking excessively.

Things I find unacceptable but could possibly turn my head if performed your Duties include excess. Such as excessive smoking, excessive gaming, excessive masturbation, excessive TV, excessive leaving your dirty socks/dishes strewn about, really excessive anything. Things you find unacceptable but could possibly turn your head might include: negativity (working on it), thrift (not working on it), excess sarcasm (see previous statement). Also I only really shave during the summer and then only knee-length. Frequently the hair on my head is just out of control.

I except that your bad habits will influence me and shorten my life span and my good habits will influence yours and lengthen your life span. Nonetheless, you will die before me and then I’ll have to post on Craigslist again. Until then I look forward to your replies which either praise me or tell me to go fuck myself.

Sincerely,
Me

WANTED: Husband – w4m


Date: 2009-01-26, 11:55AM EST

 

After too many trips to Home Depot and Lowe’s it has become apparent to me that I need a husband. I am currently accepting applications.

Suitable candidates should be able to demonstrate proof of the following:

– ability to fix stuff around the house, car repair a major plus
– can lift heavy objects without complaining
– can offer an opinion on home decorations (but not too vociferously should they differ from my own)
– ability to get lid off tough jars/cans of paint/other packaging
– ability to carry stuff for me where necessary
– high boredom threshold re. multiple trips to Lowe’s and Home Depot
– high performing “man parts”

Ability to carry out minor plumbing and electrical projects, hold a conversation on a variety of topics, some level of social skills, emotional maturity, creativity, interest in culture/politics etc and financial solvency are a plus but not essential. Well, on that last point… I do want a boob job and can’t really afford one.

Bonus points for: ownership of power tools (and knowledge of how to use them) and suitable transport for necessary purchases.

What you will get is a wife who fits the following description:
– brown hair and eyes, average height, curvy figure
– no kids, no drama
– relatively intelligent/interesting/attractive
– considered to have a somewhat dry sense of humor
– raised in the south and has good southern manners
– can take me to meet your mom/boss/friends without embarrassment
– loves sex and will put you to the test to keep up with her

Please send applications including full relationship history, previous ‘fixing stuff’ experience, salary details, your social security number, your mother’s maiden name, full medical history, five references, your inside leg measurement and shoe size to the CL email address above.

Preliminary interviews will be held in the coming weeks and may include a practical exercise.

Previous applicants need not apply.

Seeking Arranged Marriage


Date: 2009-01-25, 1:03PM PST

 

TO ALL AVAILABLE MEN
SO… I’m single, tired of mingling, and looking to get hitched. Thing is, I’m pretty frustrated with the legwork and my solution is to pass the buck on to my parents and let them go ahead and choose for me, the way it was (is) done in the good old days (South Asia). So if you’re a single guy, hoping for marriage and kids (not more than two) in the future, and willing to roll with the punches, let’s get your folks in on this too.

Here’s what I’m thinking… You respond to this with your parental contact info, which I will pass along to mine… Then, I figure we can just butt out until the wedding. Let’s let them hammer out the details, investigate compatibility, and argue about a dowry.

Me: 26 year old female with a generally positive outlook on life, one salary, three piercings, zero tattoos, one car, one hamster, and one (slightly used) vagina. I’d be willing to consider getting re-virginized if this is a deal-breaker for your family.

I’d prefer not to convert to your religion, but I would consider relocation if my travel expenses were covered.

Looking forward to the big day. Maybe we’ll meet once or twice before then… I’m leaving that up to my mom.

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Can I have it all now?

Having now lived in San Francisco for over a year, I’m starting to feel as though this is my home. San Diego will always be “home” where my family resides, but SF is now my new home and I love it dearly.

I was once told that San Francisco is considered the “city for the single” and after some quick research, I found that it was considered Forbes Magazine number one city for singles last year (we lost to New York City this year). I believe this to be true, but not in the connotational sense that you might think. I agree that this is definitely a city for singles, but because it is so easy to stay single living here. There are so many available men and woman in this city, that “hooking up” seems to be one of the easiest things you can do on a night out and it also seems to be all some people really want. You meet, swap some fluids and almost never see or hear (assuming you even exchanged digits) from that person again. This is especially true if you meet a tourist. There are loads of them here, and they love to think that they are smooth talkers and that flashing money can get them whatever they want. (I’m not saying they’re all like this, but a hefty amount are.)

Anyway, I’ve kind of forgotten where I’m going with this…oh right, staying single is easy in San Francisco…now what? Is this a good thing or a bad thing? You tell me.

Exhibit A: 22-year-old male, college student, “I’m single, I love it.”

Exhibit B: http://sfbay.craigslist.org post

To all single women of San Francisco – m4w – 30


Reply to: pers-1011862588@craigslist.org [?]
Date: 2009-01-28, 4:59PM PST

You are all full of shit. You know what I mean too. None of you take single guys seriously, then you come on Craigslist and complain you are single. Or you wish how the bike guy, or the bart guy, or whatever guy would have talked to you. But you all know that if he did, you would all act as if you were not that interested; and he would feel blown off.

So I am tired of hearing about how single guys are rare and women are looking for them. You are not, and you know it. You are looking for some fantasy guy off TV. Your expectations are too high and your egos are too bold. Get over yourselves and go approach a guy you like. And if he approaches you, take him seriously.

This is the worst city in the world to be a straight, single guy that would like to meet a nice girl. And it has nothing to do with the gays and lesbians. It is because of YOU: single women

Or better yet, email that angry gentleman and tell him what you think. 😉