I danced on a float during LoveFest!

My roommate, Kiss, tried to starve me to death recently. If you ask her, she’ll tell you it was my idea, and I’ll admit it was, but she was the one looking for an eating disorder, not me. Actually, we were both just feeling a little fatty that day and were looking for a quick fix when I remembered a little something called “The Master Cleanse”! I suggested it to her, and after some quick internet research (no, we didn’t even buy the book) decided it was exactly what we needed. Here are the deets:

For 10 days you drink nothing but (water and) 2 liters a day of a concoction of water, lemon juice, cayenne pepper and maple syrup. It sounds kind of gross, but it just tastes like liquid hot Cheetos or that Mexican candy Lucas. And the longer it “ferments” the spicier it gets. The diet calls it “lemonade”, we just ended up calling it “spicy water”. Along with this, you’re suppose to also drink a laxative tea and a “salt water cleanse” once a day.

The salt water cleanse or “SWC” scared me. You have to chug a liter of salt water (which isn’t actually digestible) and wait for its after effects which I read weren’t very pretty…I read that after chugging this “cleanse” you’d end up spending quite a few hours in the bathroom…on top of that, people that had actually done this on a daily basis said they felt as if they needed to puke half way through it. This was not at all something I was looking forward to. Honestly, who has the time to spend up to 3 hours on the toilet?

Now, people that do this Master Cleanse claimed to lose up to 20 pounds–water weight and intestinal waste, mostly. But it sounded promising none-the-less. However, at one point during my internet research I found a cute little paragraph that compared this cleanse to those suffering from anorexia…Kiss said she wanted an eating disorder, right?

So, we made our spicy water in preparation for our first day on the cleanse. Kiss had school, and I, work. The next morning, I took a back pack to work with my 2 liter jug in it because I was too embarrassed to carry that thing around. Now, the office I work on takes up three stories of a building downtown, and rather than taking the elevator up and down, I take the stairs. It’s usually faster and I enjoy the exercise. Not on this day though. I found that I couldn’t run up the stairs at my usual pace, and when I finally reached my destination, I was usually a little dizzy and lightheaded; more so during the end of my work day. And apparently it showed on my face because a friend/fellow employee who knew I was doing this cleanse told me so. By the time I got off of work, I had turned down both chocolate and gourmet coffee, drank almost all of my spicy water, started to get a headache and felt about 3 times slower than usual. It was a long day.

I felt like a crazy person as I finally reached my house after that long, undernourished day at work. I crawled to my room, dropped my things and crawled to Kiss’s room where I collapsed on the floor in a hazy delirium. She was laying in bed, but seemed to be in better shape than I was. Despite the increasing intensity of my headache and the hunger pangs, I was still on the fence about giving up. We weighed the options and decided to keep going and see how we felt the next day.

We went to the living room to hang out and be around eachother for moral support. I ended up passing out on the couch with a pounding headache hoping I would not wake up for the following reasons:

1. I didn’t want to have to drink anymore spicy, lemon water. Just the thought made my stomach turn.

2. I couldn’t handle the headache.

3. I really just wanted to eat.

4. I was scared to death of the “salt water cleanse” and its after effects.

Unfortunately, I woke up. And not only did I wake up, but I woke up to the smell of my other roommate making himself dinner. At this point, I just couldn’t handle it anymore. I started begging to be allowed to eat; and although no one was physically holding me back, I just couldn’t abandon Kiss. So instead, I took it upon myself to convince her that eating was much more fun than not. However, it was our other roomie, the voice of reason (the one eating dinner) that finally convinced us both that we were being completely ridiculous, and thank goodness too. When he left to go to his room, we were still hanging on to the cleanse idea when I finally just chucked it and went for the kitchen.

The first thing we dove into was the peanut butter. The most delicious peanut butter I have ever had in my life. While eating spoons of peanut butter we made the best pasta I’ve ever had in my life; making this one of the happiest times of my life. Food had never tasted so good and to this day, that’s probably the best pasta I’ve ever had.

The next morning, we both woke up chipper and in a healthy and productive mindset. It was wonderful. Since this near death experience, we have decided that starving ourselves at least once a month will make us appreciate eating in all its glory. So that’s the plan.

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1 Response to “I danced on a float during LoveFest!”


  1. 1 Kelly November 14, 2008 at 11:05 am

    Interesting outlook….the headache must have been rough.


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