I’m screwed.

When my own words fail me, I find comfort in the fact that someone else once felt the way I am feeling now and was able to put those feelings into a more beautiful composition than I most likely could have. So now, for your listening pleasure here is Imogen Heap’s “The Walk”.

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now, ’cause you and I were never meant to be
I think you better leave; it’s not safe in here,
I feel a weakness coming on.

Alright then (Alright then) I could keep your number for a rainy day,
That’s where this ends, no mistakes no misbehaving,
Oh, I was doing so well, can we just be friends,
I feel a weakness coming on.

It’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don’t want to feel like this, yeah,
No it’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don’t want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.

Inside out, upside-down twisting beside myself,
Stop that now; you’re as close as it gets without touching me,
Oh no, don’t make it harder than it already is,
Mmm, I feel a weakness coming on.

It’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don’t want to feel like this, yeah,
No it’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don’t want to feel like this, so that makes it all your fault.

Big trouble losing control,
Primary resistance at a critical low,
On the double gotta get a hold,
Point of no return one second to go,

No response on any level, red alert this vessels under siege,
Total overload, systems down, they’ve got control,
There’s no way out, we are surrounded,
Give in, give in and relish every minute of it

Freeze, awake here forever, I feel a weakness coming on.

It’s not meant to be like this, not what I planned at all,
I don’t want to feel like this, Yeah,
No it’s not meant to be like this, it’s just what I don’t need,
Why make me feel like this, it’s definitely all your fault.

Feel like this la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (Feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (Feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault (Feel like this) la la la la la la la la
It’s all your fault

I will not get attached. I will not get attached. I will not get attached. Oh shoot, I think I might have gotten a little attached…Fuck!

I’m only happy when it rains.

For the first time since I’ve moved back I got that feeling–the one I used to get when I lived in North County before–that suffocated, anxious feeling. It was because of that feeling that I moved away in the first place. I’ve been so content and easy going about this whole moving back situation, that to suddenly experience that sensation again is a bit unsettling. It hit me and I had to pause what I was doing for a moment before I pushed it away and blamed the whole thing on PMS. I hope this doesn’t become a recurring agitation. I’ve got a plan I’m acutely focused on, and that plan involves me being stuck here for at least 2 years.

And with that, I’ll leave you with this:

“Why I Stay”   The Black Heart Procession

This isn’t wise they say
To force a line engraved
Though we may come close
These things won’t ever change
This is why I know
This is why I must go
And so the game is plagued
With the rituals we’ve made
I know we won’t ever learn
These things they’ll never change
This is why I stay
But this is why I must go

Dear, I fear we’re facing a problem.

In all honesty, I kind of feel bad (or maybe ridiculous) for writing that last post. I had actually finished it a couple of weeks prior to posting it, but had a hard time convincing myself to publish it. So it sat there in my queue until I was finally like, “Whatevs.” But, I feel like I’m (please excuse the expression, for lack of a better) beating a dead horse (how did that saying even originate?!). Everything lately has been boys, boys, boys. And you know how I get when all I seem to talk about are boys–annoyed. With myself. I have a close gay, male friend whom I used to share a lot of my “boy problems” with and one day he said, “Well maybe if you stop dealing with boys and start dealing with men, you wouldn’t have so much to worry about.” And I get what he’s saying, but I think I’d still be in the same boat that I am now; which is to say, a sinking one. Thank God I know how to swim.

So no more about boys (for now). I have this great blog that I’m working on about movies I’ve seen as of late where the guy doesn’t end up with the girl, but I’ll just have to save that for later, because techincally, I believe it falls under the “boys” or “men” category. Right?

Anyway, I have a new series I’d like to introduce to this blog, the “Frienterview”! I’m going to do a series/profiles on some of my most favorite people in my life. Exciting, no? I personally thought it was a great idea. As soon as I have all of my interview questions ready, I’ll get my first frienterview posted. But at this time I’d like to ask, do I have any volunteers?! (You know that any of you who read this and know me personally are of course in that “favorite people” category–so don’t hesitate to volunteer and be interviewed!)

Do you have an opinion? A mind of your own? I thought you were special.  I thought you should know.

Loving is fine if you have plenty of time for walking on stilts at the edge of your mind.

Relationships and dating often come up as a topic of conversation for my close girlfriends and myself–give us a break, we’re single, twenty-somethings who can’t seem to figure out why we’re still single. On one hand I’m OK with being single, in fact, I don’t even want to date– but this doesn’t mean I’m completely OK with it. And to manage with this sentiment, I often joke about it because it’s not fun to deal with if there is no humor. Example:

No humor: “I’m single and sometimes it sucks. A lot.”

Humor: “What the heck? Why aren’t there guys lined up around the block waiting for me? I mean look at me: I’m not afraid to be silly, I like cool shit. Come on! I freakin’ tap dance for crying out loud!”

Or maybe that “humorous” one is just me and my pretend overt confidence? Whatevs. It works. We all tell ourselves silly things at one point or another to make ourselves feel better. Right? Anyway. When we start talking about this stuff–the games that are played, the men in our lives (or lack there of), the crushes, etc. my mind wanders to past relationships and the major lessons I’ve learned–the real reasons I’m not so down to date anymore. I’ve narrowed it down to two reasons:

1. I don’t want to lose myself in a relationship. I don’t want to give myself up for someone else. I’m selfish;  it took me a long to figure this out and I’m not ready to compromise. And I’m afraid of what will happen if I do.

2. I refuse to play games–especially with matters of the heart. Give me honesty, or get the hell out of my way. The end.

And that’s it, really. I’d say those are pretty valid reasons. I’d just rather be single. And until I meet someone that just completely blows me away and takes me for who I am and gives me that feeling–you know, that nervous-excited, butterflies in the stomach, tingly feeling– this is just the way it’s going to be.

And with that, I leave you with the words of Alanis Morissette, whose song I believe conveys my sentiments on this matter exactly. Enjoy!

I don’t want to be the filler if the void is solely yours
I don’t want to be your glass of single malt whiskey
Hidden in the bottom drawer
I don’t want to be the bandage if the wound is not mine
Lend me some fresh air
I don’t want to be adored for what I merely represent to you
I don’t want to be to be your babysitter
You’re a very big boy now
I don’t want to be you mother
I didn’t carry you in my womb for nine months
Show me the back door

Visiting hours are 9 to 5 and if I show up at half past six
Well I already know that you’d find some way to sneak me in and oh
Mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom
You see it’s too much to ask for and I’m not the doctor

I don’t want to be the sweeper of the eggshells that you walk upon
I don’t want to be your other half I believe that 1 and 1 make 2
I don’t want to be your food or the light from the fridge
on your face at midnight
Hey what are you hungry for
I don’t want to be the glue that holds your pieces together
I don’t want to be your idol
See this pedestal is high and I’m afraid of heights
I don’t want to be lived through
A vicarious occasion
Please open the window

If sin is so terrible, why is it so good?

For whatever reason I’ve been watching a lot of terrible movies lately. It’s almost as if these movies find me and force me to watch them. It’s torturous. So for those of you who have seen these, let me know what you think of them. And for those of you who haven’t, avoid them at all costs!

The Edge of Love– I guess I  just figured that you can’t go too wrong with a movie that stars both Keira Knightley and Sienna Miller? Plus that very attractive dude from the only “scary” movie I’ve liked (28 Days Later) is in it–what’s his him? Cillian Murphy! Anyway, the whole thing was absolutely terrible. Don’t waste your time. By the way, there’s also a sex scene that involves Knightley and you see her naked top half; the woman has no boobies–looks like a man!

Sunshine Cleaning– This was definitely a case where the previews were completely misleading. The movie as a whole was slow, choppy and disingenuous. I almost didn’t even want to finish watching it.

Only You– I honestly can’t even tell you why I chose to watch this. It was probably a Friday night where I was bored out of my mind, but was too lazy to come up with anything better to do. Anyway, maybe I have a thing for Robert Downey Jr. or something? His character was OK, but his costar, Marisa Tomei played the most annoying character in the world. I could not stand to hear her speak by the end of the film. Billy Zane is also in the film, which kind of cracked me up because everytime I think of Billy Zane, I think of his bit part in Zoolander. So bad, it’s good. Not this film, just Billy Zane.

So there you have it. Avoid all of these films, if possible. Read a book instead. And if you happen to watch them anyway, don’t say I didn’t try to warn you.

I have seen one noteworthy movie in the last couple months that you should rent if you have the chance– Wristcutters: A Love Story. I don’t want to go into any detail about it, because I prefer that you just watch it. The soundtrack is pretty great too if you’re into Gogol Bordello.

That’s all I’ve got for now. Thank you and goodnight.

“I don’t mean to seem like I care about material things like a social status/I just want four walls and adobe slabs for my girls.”

Vista, I love you but you’re bringing me down.

I was recently asked by a fellow blogger and friend why it was that I hadn’t been blogging lately, and to paraphrase what he recently wrote in one of his blogs, you could ask me a million different times and I would give you a million different answers. I think when it really comes down to it, I’ve just been uninspired to write; not to be confused with “I have nothing to write” because I definitely have things on my mind that I’d like to attempt to put into words, but sometimes that is just so much easier said than done! Plus, sometimes I can’t decide whether something I would like to write about is too personal; as in more journal appropriate as opposed to blog appropriate, or too uninteresting, or whatever. But then I remember, this is my blog and I do what I want! Hah! So here are a few tidbits that have been on my mind; some recent and some that I wrote a few weeks ago but never posted or finished for whatever reason.

*******

Money may rule the world, but it won’t buy you happiness. Unfortunately, we are taught (practically from birth) that the more money you have, the more you can buy and the happier you will be. And as my English professor just said, (unbeknown to her that I am writing this in class) “Love of money is the root of all evil.”

I wrote that during one of my classes when I was supposed to be writing on the homework reading, only I hadn’t bought the book yet, so I didn’t do the reading. But I had to write something and pretend to be productive. I think I wrote what I did because, well, A. It’s true! And B. I was pissed about how much I had just spent on my German book (somewhere around $176) and was also calculating what else I was going to have to spend on the rest of my books…which has reached a grand total of over 300 dollars! Insanity. And I don’t even have a job yet.

*******

And here I am, still without a job…I don’t even want to talk about that though. Honestly, if I didn’t have bills to pay, I’d be perfectly content with the allowance (yes, I said allowance. I’m 24 and I HAVE AN ALLOWANCE!) my parents are giving me. No joke. It’s a pretty sweet deal. Make fun of me all you want, but when all I really want to do is finish school, not having to worry about being a functioning member of society with a j-o-b makes it that much easier to stay focused. It’s amazing how little money I actually need to “live” (when I don’t have to pay rent/buy groceries/whatever else), too. Isn’t it weird that money keeps coming up in topic, too? Hm.

*******

So this semester something is happening that I don’t ever remember having happen before: people are talking to me– initiating conversation! I know, you’re thinking “WTF?! Fo’ reals? With you?!” Yes, really. With me. And I like it. I don’t know what has changed; maybe I look friendlier? Do I smile more? Or maybe it’s a sympathy thing? Although, I prefer not to go down the “sympathy” route because as stuck up as this might sound, I really don’t think that’s what it is. When I mentioned this to a friend, she suggested that it’s probably the way I carry myself and the vibe I put out there. Yay! Maybe I’ll make some new friends?

*******

And speaking of school, I feel like it is my saving grace in this whole “moving back” debacle. Without school (and some amazing friends), I would be a lost cause. I’m on the straight and narrow and it feels great.

I have this amazing English professor for two of my classes and I absolutely love her. I’ve heard fellow pupils before my classes talk smack about her on occasion, but seriously? Her passion and excitement for literature is something to be admired. She is a true gem and I can only hope to one day be as fantastic as she is. So there’s my shout out to Paes de Barros.

*******

On a closing note, I know some might think that I absolutely hate being back in North County; and yes, I felt as though I left San Francisco prematurely; yes, sometimes I have my bad days and complain, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m here and I’m trying to make the most of it when I can. It’s only going to be as good as I make it and I might not always want to make it great (because you can’t be happy 24/7), but that in no way means I’m going to stop trying. So chew on that!

Darling don’t give me shit ’cause I know that you’re full of it.

I’ve been listening to a lot of Kate Nash lately and I’ve also been feeling this silly, little song a lot lately, so I thought I’d share. One of these days I’ll figure out how to just put a song on here, but for now, all you get are lyrics. So here it is, aptly titled “Dickhead” :

Why you being a dickhead for?
Stop being a dickhead
Why you being a dickhead for?
You’re just fucking up situations

Why you being a dickhead for?
Stop being a dickhead
Why you being a dickhead for?
Youre just fucking up situations

Shiny floor, slippery feet
Lights are dim, my eyes can’t meet
The reflection that turns my images
Upside down so I can’t see

Think you know everything
You really don’t know nothing
I wish that you were more intelligent
So you could see that what you are doing is
So shitty, to me

Thirty five
People couldn’t count
On two hands the amount of times
You made me stop
Stop and think:
“Why are you being such a dickhead for?”

Stop being a dickhead
Why you being a dickhead for?
You’re just fucking up situations
Why you being a dickhead for?
Stop being a dickhead
Why you being a dickhead for?
You’re just fucking up situations

Stop, no, don’t show
Just have a think before you…
Will you stop, no, don’t show
Just have a think before you…
Will you stop, no, don’t show
Just have a think before you…
And, stop, don’t show
Oh, Just have a think before you…

Cos my brain and my bones don’t want to take this anymore
My brain and my bones don’t want to take this anymore
My brain and my bones don’t want to take this anymore
My brain and my bones don’t want to take this anymore, so

Why you being a dickhead for?
Stop being a dickhead
Why you being a dickhead for?
You’re just fucking up situations

Why you being a dickhead for?
Stop being a dickhead
Why you being a dickhead for?
You’re just fucking up situations

I will only complicate you.

I’ve officially been in North County for a month. It’s surreal. It doesn’t seem real and yet here I am about to start school (but still jobless). During this past month I have mentally been making notes on the things that annoy me about this place; the things I enjoy and the things I miss about San Francisco. Here are those lists:

V-Town Annoyances

• It’s too damn hot!
• The coffee is never strong enough– where do you find a decent cup of coffee in the Tri City area?!
• You have to drive EVERYWHERE– I HATE DRIVING!
• I feel awkward getting drunk at home– Almost as if it’s not allowed…
• 24 Hour Fitness is no longer in walking distance.
• There is a rampant infestation of “Bros” and their “Hos’” and their ginormous, gas guzzling trucks.
• My ex lives here– which isn’t a problem, but it is a problem.
• I haven’t slept through a night since I’ve been here– So I’m always tired and take a lot of naps.
• The surprised expressions I get when I confess that I don’t have a boyfriend and am not seeing anyone and don’t really have plans to– Shocker! I know. But much to the surprise of all Southern Californians, it is OK to be single and crave some form of independence (no matter how old you are). I promise.
• The CL “Missed Connections” aren’t nearly as entertaining as the San Francisco ones.
• I went from having a full-length mirror in my room that made me look ultra thin (nicknamed the “Skinny Mirror”), thus leaving me with a (false) sense of confidence, to a mirror that makes me look even fatter than I already am (nicknamed the “Fat Mirror”); leaving me with thoughts such as these: “You are a broke down, beat, fat ass. What happened to you?!” or “Why are you even bothering to get dressed and leave the house?” a la Liz Lemon style– Ignorance is bliss, people. Ignorance is bliss. Give me back the skinny mirror!
• They still play Korn on the radio here. Yes. Korn. Did I just move back in time?
• Everything is so spread out.
• Cable– Sure, I no longer have to wait until the day after to watch the two (2) shows I look forward to viewing, but there is a lot of trash out there. Trash you get sucked into and before you know it, you’ve spent the whole day on the couch, melting your brain.

Things I miss in/about San Francisco

• EVERYTHING!– Jay-Kay…kind of…no seriously, here’s the list:
• My roomies– Three’s Company fo’ life yo!
• Dolores park– Drinking there, reading there, people watching, etc.
• Work pals– You know who you are.
• The City life in general– Morning commutes on MUNI, Union Square, The Haight, etc.
• Dive bars– Too many good ones to list.
• The Many Mis-Adventures of Amy and Carissa.
• The lack of fast food.
• My house– Which isn’t actually “my house” anymore, but you know what I mean.
• Roommate dinners.
• Dining room dance parties.
• Charlie’s (wasted) Angels
• Friends, friends, friends– You know who you are too; don’t make me name names.
• And a whole lot more that I don’t want to list, ’cause then I’m thinking about it and then I get sad.

Now, just to be fair, here is a list of a few things I actually do (kind of) enjoy about North County:

Some V-Town Goods

• The Girls– Nat, Kate, Sissy and (yes, you too) Robin!
• $2 Racer5’s on Thursdays.
• Beaches where you can actually enjoy the sun and swim in the water.
• Real Mexican food– And at some places you can get it anytime you want!
• Free food/no rent.
• The Guys– Meaning my friends here who are guys– you know who you are too (although I’m fairly positive none of you read this).
• I won’t miss Decemberween– Assuming it still happens this year.
• Snowboarding
• The desert
• Wide open spaces.
• I’m now closer to my family.

So there you have it. I’m sure as more time goes on, I’ll have more to add to each of these lists but I figured after a month, this was a pretty good start.

On a closing note, a lot of us are starting school tomorrow, so to those of you who fit in that category, good luck! I wish you a happy, heathly semester riddled with well earned, good grades.

I rode a fixie for the first time on Sunday.

While living in San Francisco for the past two years, I went through four semesters of school. For the most part, I did well in school. But there was one particular class that I ended up flunking every single semester (including Summer semesters that I wasn’t even enrolled in!)– Guy 101: Dating and Men (or boys, depending on the situation and maturity level–it was an umbrella course).

This became a joke in my San Francisco household between my roommates and myself…only, it wasn’t really a joke. No matter how hard I studied, the important information just didn’t sink in and I just couldn’t comprehend; resulting in a big, fat F every time I had a test, thus flunking Guy 101 again and again and again! I could go through every scenario and give examples of said flunked exams, but it would be exhausting and embarrassing–the bright, red flags (that were up right in front of my face) that I missed, the misinterpretations of words and actions, the drunkenness that ensued. And there were so many failed experiments– Fat Head, Dead Fish, Fresh Fish, Minn Mac…all of them, fail, fail and epic fail.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I just don’t know how to date. I know how to be in a relationship–be a girlfriend–I did it once for many years and I like to think I did it well. I just don’t know at what point you go from “dating” to being in an exclusive relationship (you know, the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing).

I didn’t come away completely empty-handed though. Here are a few of the lessons I did actually “learn” along the way:

1. Men do not take woman on dates anymore–at least not in San Francisco.

2. I am a terrible judge of  the male character–they’re usually only that nice in the beginning because they want something, duh.

3. Commitment is often a bad word in the male dictionary.

4. I should not always be honest and say what I am thinking– this one didn’t actually sink in; I’m going to be honest, say what I really think about something and ask questions whether you like it or not! But I did notice that it would get me in a lot of trouble. Hah.

5. Generally speaking, men are selfish and unapologetic creatures.

So there you have it. Having now been relocated to Southern California, I don’t really plan on taking Guy 101 again…I think I’ve hit my limit in retaking the course anyway (thank you sweet, baby Jesus–I don’t think my delicate psyche could handle another F).

There was only one man worth my time in San Francisco anyway, and that man–was not you! So don’t even try and flatter yourself.

Please note that I used words such as “usually” and “generally” when describing what I’ve learned about the male behavior; which is to say, despite my constant failing, I don’t think every man is as described above. Thank you.

I left my heart in San Francisco.

Literally.

Here is what I would like to call my “San Francisco Hall of Fame”. It consists of a few of my favorite people, places, pictures, moments, etc. during the last two years. They are in no particular order and if you made it on the blog, congratulations! And If I somehow forgot about you– I am sincerely sorry and you must not have been around when I was constantly taking photos. If you hate me for putting a particular picture of you up, I apologize. I only did it out of love and I wanted to share this love with my five loyal readers. I would also like it to be known that I did steal a few photos from my dear friend, Miss Sarah Fredricks and you can check out more of her goods here.

I miss you all so very much.

Enjoy!

(Click on image to see a larger version. And then click on it again for an even larger version!)